HUMOUR

Can’t Remember

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

Worried Man

Two astrophysicists are discussing their research in a bar one evening when a drunk who has been sitting and listening in at the next seat turns and says, in a very worried voice, “What was that you just said!?” “We were discussing stellar evolution and I said to my colleague here that the sun would run out of nuclear fuel and turn into a red giant star in about 5 billion years, possibly melting the Earth.”

“Whew!,” says the drunk, “You really had me worried. I thought you said 5 million.”

Three English Words

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.” The Mexican man pleads, “No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says, “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.” The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence.” The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, “Hmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?”

Finding The Answers

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in Swindon, England. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.