Throwing open closed doors - Violence against women is taking its toll and finally women are sp...

Violence against women is taking its toll and finally women are speaking up

By Cheranka Mendis
This is the 21st Century. This is the day and age of gender equality, or so they say. It is a topic that is brought up in conversation, at forums and conference and business seminars. Books are written on it, articles are published and politicians insist it is present, but more often than not, equality is nothing more than words on paper or passing moments.

The majority seems to believe that subjecting this to paper is good enough, that words work louder than deeds. In actuality though, this should not be the case. It should not merely be limited to words but should be demonstrated in action, in every aspect of life.
The reality however is that men are often at an advantage – and a large one at that. Especially in a country like Sri Lanka, where abuse is often tolerated – in many forms – harassment is something every single woman goes through, some more often than others, but everyone at some point or the other faces it.
For too long we’ve limited the phrase “men and women are equal” only to paper. It’s time now that we live this reality, not just for a day or two but every day, everywhere. Equality should be practiced in every deed, every word and every moment.
The label that women ‘should tolerate’ should be discarded. No woman should tolerate abuse, verbal or physical. No woman should let a man walk all over her, exchanging her dreams and thoughts and her life for what he insists she wants. No woman should open herself up for ‘punishment’ just because a man feels she deserves it.
No woman should lose her identity
I am no extreme feminist. I don’t believe that women should overpower men and that she should always shoot down whatever a man says. No; I am not that. What I believe is that being a woman should not be a reason for people to walk all over you and subject you to abuse. Because once a woman bows her head down and starts believing that someone else knows what’s best for her, there is no turning back. No one should be allowed to think that they are worthless; everyone has a right to live life – minus violence and abuse.
Domestic violence – The trends
Customarily, violence happens behind closed doors. In Sri Lanka, still so much of a traditional country where a male gets the bigger portion of the rice, even if there is scant little left for the family, where a son is treated better than a girl, domestic violence has over the years increasingly raised its ugly head.
Attorney-at-Law Sumithra Fernando, a lawyer at Women In Need (WIN), noted that the trend of domestic violence has been getting more brutal over the years.
“Gone are the days when the reports mostly spoke of slapping, kicking, forcible pushing and pulling by the hair. The trend now is much more severe. The actions are more vicious. Cases reported often speak of severing limbs, chopping of body parts, throwing acid, burning, etc.,” Fernando said. “What we come across today are very brutal and grave offences.”
Dismissing the idea that domestic violence is usually associated with poverty and prevails at large in the lower segment of society, she assures that violence, in particular domestic violence, happens across all levels of society. “You cannot say that such incidents occur in lower and middle class families. Educated, professional women also go through the same and we have seen many at WIN.”
Many claim that the violence was caused by the influence of the bottle. But this is just an outright excuse. “Alcohol is an excuse. This is not the cause. Women must realise this and not take the excuse as a reason to turn away.”
Fernando stated that in 2010, WIN helped 60,000 women around the island cope with issues relating to violence. “No one must tolerate violence,” however bad the reason maybe.
The tragedy of it all
The heartbreaking side to the issue of violence is that women still hide it from the outside world. The statistics are unclear and misleading. “Most take it as a private matter, one that should be hidden, and they will not report it. Reporting is most often the last resort, the final string.”
There are various reasons for non-reporting of violence. Taken as a private, domestic matter, some are just too scared to open up, even to confide in a friend in fear of the abuser. Often, cases are reported where the abuser gets to know that the abused has confided in someone and the abuse then worsens.
Then there is also the guilt factor. The abuser is talented enough to make the victim believe that everything is her fault. That if she was better (in whatever context) or different, the turnout of events would be different. Sadly, most tend to believe it.
In their defence, hearing how terrible or how bad or stupid or worthless they are repeatedly would make anyone believe. It is like Hitler’s theory: You tell a lie long enough and eventually people will believe.
For some it is the shame – shame that the life she is leading is not what she wanted. Ashamed of how people will look at her. Ashamed of telling her parents and loved ones, wanting to avoid hurting them.
For others, it is the children in a relationship. The phrase “I’m staying in this for my children,” or “a child needs both parents,” etc., are heard often enough. What these women do not understand is that seeing violence – verbal and or physical – will scar the child for life. They either run away from the idea of marriage, take on the nasty habits or turn towards drugs and alcohol. Some of course, turn out very much different; that percentage however is rather negligible.
Cut, bruised, battered: Case I
Fernando places three stories of women who have undergone some of the worst acts of abuse and survived. Let’s call them Maya, Nayana and Ruwini.
Maya was from Puttalam. In her mid 30s, Maya was a mother but her husband had no plans of supporting her or her children. Divorced, she never received child support from him. Unable to bear the costs and determined to educate her children, Maya, like the 54% of the 60% of women working overseas among one million Sri Lankans, decided to go as a housemaid to the Middle East. Prior to leaving homeland she filed a maintenance case against her husband.
“At that time she was living with her mother and brother. One day when she saw her estranged husband coming towards her home she knew it was bad news. Giving into instincts, she ran while her ex-husband ran after her,” Fernando revealed. “At one point he had thrown a sword at her. It struck her and she fell.” What happened next is gruesome. He cut off one her legs – chopped it off like one would chop meat. And the other leg was cut to the bone.
Maya’s life, however, was saved. Rushed to the hospital, the doctors managed to help her and with the help of WIN she now hops about with an artificial limb. “She was given extensive counselling and now she is okay. She is now happily married and leading a good life,” Fernando said.
Case II
If you think that was bad, reflect on Nayana’s story. Married, blessed with a daughter and cursed with an abusive husband. Just like Maya, Nayana too opted to try her luck in the Middle East when the going got tough in Sri Lanka. She left her daughter in the care of her mother who came and lived in her house to look after the daughter and to take care of the household chores.
While Nayana was in the Middle East, she was raped and abused by her employer and she bore him a son. That is one side of the story. While she had to undergo the mental and physical trauma there, her husband got into an illicit sexual affair with her mother who was looking after her daughter.
Fernando stated that the mother was a cancer patient who refused her son-in-law’s advances at first but eventually gave in. He also managed to marry off his 13-year-old daughter to a villager during the period.
When Nayana came back, her son in tow, and saw the set up between her husband and her mother, she objected. This eventually led her mother to leave her and live a separate life elsewhere. Arguments were the order of the day and somewhere in between she conceived. Her husband then started insisting that her mother returned so that he could lead the life he wanted. Fights and insults were constantly thrown about.
During one particularly bad fight he ended up cutting off her wrist and once satisfied, aimed to cut off her other wrist as well. Rushed to the hospital, the doctors managed to save one hand. “She couldn’t even clean herself, save look after a baby. She came to WIN and we took her in and sent her to our shelter. Several months later she delivered a daughter and she has now given all three of them up for adoption as she can no longer support them.”
Case III
Just like for the other two, life certainly turned out to be a bad deal for Ruwini. Hailing from Trincomalee, Ruwini led a happy life with her husband and was blessed with a beautiful bundle of joy. Unlike stories with happy endings where children seem to strengthen the bond between parents, Ruwini’s husband turned a new leaf, and not a good one at that.
He started insisting that Ruwini give her baby to his sister who did not have kids. What mother would agree to that, one may ask. Ruwini refused flat out, she did not even give him reasons to believe that she would consider it. Angry at her refusal to concede to his wishes, he threw a kerosene lamp at her and set her on fire. Her face, chest area and hands were severely burnt. She was rushed to the hospital from where she was transferred to the National Hospital Burns Unit and after a long stay and extensive medical treatment she is now on the path to recovery.
“Burning is an evil form of revenge. This way there is both physical and mental disfigurement caused to the victim.”
A WINing situation
These are but a few of the stories Fernando works with on a daily basis. “It is depressing hearing such stories all the time, but it makes me happy that I can help them, give them the legal power to fight.” Previously working in the private sector, she served on the Board of WIN as a Director and upon retirement took up working for WIN fulltime.
“It is rewarding. It is satisfying to see them getting back and fighting.”
At WIN, a victim is offered a multi-agency option. They take over all matters relating to violence and support the victim the entire way, whatever her decision maybe. “We provide counselling. We do not judge or force opinion and ideas. We let the victim make the decision. If she wants a separation or divorce, we help them. Our main goal, however, is reconciling matters.”
On counselling, Fernando stated that 65-70% husbands attend counselling upon request. Husbands and or other family members are called for counselling only upon request from the victim. Some actually manage to bury the past and build a new future without violence, she said. WIN also has two shelters, one in Colombo and another in Matara, to support women in need.
Against all odds
Forum against Gender Based Violence (GBV) is a collective forum which aims at addressing the issues of gender based violence. Part of an international body, the forum in Sri Lanka consists of a number of NGOs, UN agencies, Government, and non-government organisations. The Chair of the Forum is UNFPA.
“We get together and decide on what is relevant for Sri Lanka. This year the theme is ‘From Peace in the Home to Peace in the Community: End Violence Against Women,’” Facilitator for the Forum Bimali Amaresekere said. The forum recently conducted a symposium on the subject as well.
“Domestic violence is hidden in our society; everything is not reported as it deals with families. There is a sense of it being normal or accepted because people don’t realise it is a crime in Sri Lanka and that it is wrong to abuse and hit. Mainly it is women who are victims, but there are cases where the men are victims as well, and children.”
The realities of life
Amaresekere continued: “In our patriarchal society, in a relationship there is no unequivocal power. There are men who consider women as equal and give them the right to mobility, right to work, right to study. Some on the other hand feel that women should be controlled by the husband.”
In that situation, he will set rules on where she goes, what she does and wears, who she meets, etc. He holds power over the decisions she makes, her friends, where she goes. In that situation if she goes against his wishes, some men resort to violence – hitting, bashing and even cutting fingers and arms or damage to the head, where there is an actual physical disability caused to the woman.
“It is important that we as individuals realise that this is wrong and that victims who are suffering, whether it be a woman, man or child, must speak out and seek counselling.” Counselling, she said, is the first step to end violence and to build a home and family that upholds a nonviolent household.
“Just because you wear something that is not correct or speak a word that is not correct, it does not mean that anyone can turn violent towards you. Violence cannot and should not be tolerated.”
Amaresekere said: “We want to encourage people to go for counselling if they need help and to also remind that there are laws to protect victims.”
Government to the rescue
The Government at the symposium organised by the Forum against Gender Based Violence declared opened the first shelter for abused women in Sri Lanka. “This is for women who have been abused and harassed and have nowhere to go because they cannot go back home.” The location is kept under warps to ensure full protection for the victims.
“The State has guaranteed to protect women. The Government has set up the first shelter; this is a clear step in moving ahead.”
Amaresekere requested the private sector to come on board and support the shelter. “They do not have the required infrastructure in place. It’s open but not furnished. Now it must be made functional.”
In 2005 the Government gazetted a ‘Prevention of Domestic Violence Act’ for the first time in the nation’s history. Under the act, domestic violence is listed as an “act which constitutes an offence any emotional abuse, committed or caused by a relevant person within the environment of the home or outside and arising out of the personal relationship between the aggrieved person and the relevant person.”
“Emotional abuse means a pattern of cruel, inhuman, degrading or humiliating conduct of a serious nature directed towards an aggrieved person.”
‘Ah nangi’
How often have you travelled without anyone commenting, hooting or making snide remarks on the bus or even when you’re just walking on the road? “Ah nangi, koheda yanne?’ followed by a wolf whistle is too often heard on the streets.
The Forum against Gender Based Violence is now in the process of taking the message to the community for awareness creation.
A survey conducted in June/July found that on the 138 bus route, one in four women had to undergo some sort of abuse on a daily basis. Statistics also show that the country has some 4.5 million who travel by bus daily.
“We have trained bus drivers and conductors who operate buses for the National Transport Commission. We did a group for SLTB and the Western Province Transport Authority as well in 2010,” she said. “This year we have worked with the commission to develop a training module for bus drivers and conductors.”
“Even in the sphere of public support this (abuse and gender based violence) was considered normal. Women too remain silent and they don’t think its wrong if you are pinched or if someone shows their genitals in public or your dress is raised or a hand gropes you. No one in the bus will say this is wrong, put him out of it. The non-tolerant aspect is not there. We want to build a society that speaks out.”
“Some bus drivers think its normal and through the training we have showed that the same could happen to their mothers, sisters, wives and daughters and then what will you do? They are the ones who can stop this.”
The forum has trained almost 600 drivers and conductors within 2010. “No one should tolerate violence. It is a no-no situation wherever it may occur. People are now starting to speak up. This is what we want. This is the key step to take it forward.”